looking inward {day twenty-one}

One thing that I’ve come to realize about myself in the past 28 days is that I am nowhere close to being the person that I thought I was or the person that I want to be.  I feel like I’m always looking at ways to improve as a wife, mother, homemaker, educator, and so on.  It’s not easy for me to admit that I’m not living up to my true potential.  The last thing anyone wants to be labeled is a failure.  It’s even worse when you are attaching that label to yourself.

There are so many areas of my life that I want to improve upon and just simply don’t feel like I know where to start.  It’s a bit like walking into your house after being away for a week or so and finding dirty dishes overflowing in the sink, a pile of clothes covering the laundry room floor so large that you’re fairly certain it deserves its own zip code, and opening your refrigerator to find that a small family of mold creatures have taken up residence in your fruit drawer.  If you’re anything like me, the first words out of your mouth are, “Where do I start?” followed immediately with, “I’m never ever ever leaving this house again!”

It’s a very unsettling feeling when you realize that you aren’t the person that you want to be.  Don’t get me wrong, I still feel that I’m a basically “good” person.  But I also feel that I’m not being the best version of me.

See, the “best” version of me does a MUCH better job of eating healthy meals on a daily basis, works out 3-5 days a week, rises before her husband and children every morning to prepare a delicious breakfast while starting the laundry and cleaning the kitchen, has no problem whatsoever finding the time and energy to shower every day, and never ever leaves the house without first putting on makeup…you know, just in case.

I can tell you one thing.  I rarely eat fresh fruit on a WEEKLY basis, let alone daily.  I can’t remember the last time I honestly worked out.  Most days my kids wake me up because I’ve once again stayed up way to late the night before.  There are (unfortunately) days that a shower is just not in the cards for me.  And no one that really knows me would think it abnormal to see me walking through Wal-Mart in sweats, a ponytail, and no makeup.  It is what it is.

But even with all of the areas where I feel like I’m failing, the one area that I feel I’m not is in my walk with God.  Lately I feel his presence more than ever.  I feel that our relationship is finally growing into the one I’ve always longed for (although we are not finished growing yet, and I pray we never will be.)

So, what is it that I’m not doing right?  What is holding me back from being the person that I truly desire to be??

I’ve decided that it’s time for me to be more intentional about delving into this area of my life and looking for the answers.  What that means for my future, I’m not exactly sure.  But I know that I’m not content with the person that I am today.  So, I think it’s time for reflection and change.

Do you ever feel like there’s just something missing in your life or that you’re just simply not living up to your own expectations?  What do you do to get “out of the rut”??

More to come.